*Just a quick note before reading. Its not about any individual. Wrote this a long time ago, I’m not sad nor am I unhappy it was just my mind running away with me as always enjoy x
A trip in her mind
Adolescence can be over whelming. The need to fit in, what makes a young lady desirable, standards and double standards. Life in general is hard to understand and she questions herself a lot. She gives advice to her friends which she cannot live by herself, loses morals for boys that do not deserve to see her soul naked and bare. Striped to the roots, exposed. She exposes herself and blames herself. She knows what she is doing is not what she wants but doesn’t know how to change it, doesn’t know how to stop it. She. She doesn’t know how to love herself.
Finding inner happiness should not be hard. All the quotes tell her she must love herself before anyone can love her. She is learning. She tries. Unworthy boy after unworthy boy she loses a part of herself to each. Or maybe that is not the truth and it is just the mind telling her so. This is her journey that cannot be changed. Or can it? If she is whole she should be happy. And she is happy but not always. Is that normal? She thinks it is. Her mind wonders so often so often you will notice it in her words. Questioning herself is a daily occurrence. What is life? What is its purpose? What is a good guy? What is she looking for? Stop. She must stop. She is an over thinker and this will never change. Or can it? Meditation, it helps. It allows her to notice the little things in life. If she listens she can hear the mother bird feeding its chicks on her rooftop. The laugh of her neighbour. The sound of the wind and then an engine ruining the silence. The peace returns. That engine didn’t last. It comes and it goes. The same way her anxiety comes and goes. It will get better the engine may return but it is never for long. Listen. She listens. She listens to the actions of others, she listens to the words that they splutter, she listens so hard she gets it wrong. Takes the words of others to literal. They will never be like her they don’t have her heart.
She thought she fell in love once. She thought she fell in love twice. She will think she’s fallen in love a thousand times. But its not! Forced. She forced it. She won’t do that again. He’s in love with another now. Maybe she taught him how to love that other but she definitely didn’t teach him how to love her. Can love be taught? No. It Cannot. Impossible. It felt like a dagger to the heart to see him with another but how can she not be happy for he has found someone to love and love is all she wants.
She will never give up on love she believes it to be the most natural and beautiful thing in existence. Maybe she wasn’t made for these earthy things nor was she made for a man. Empowerment. Loving herself is now the journey that needs to be undertaken. Self’s love enlightens the soul and that is her journey. Soul searching, it what she has been doing. But for another, not for her own.
Her dream is simple to have a family, to love, to give and receive happiness, to experience life and love the journey. But yet she cries. When her ambition in life is to have a family, she spends most of her time thinking about the one she will marry. She is not naïve and enjoys meeting and getting to know new people. She knows who wants her heart, who wants her friendship and who just wants to feel the walls inside her that she once held so dearly. virginity. Its lost. But she doesn’t regret it if anything it taught her a thousand stories and she learnt a thousand lessons. She takes a moment to realise maybe regret does live here as she wouldn’t be writing this without it. Shaking it off she realises she’s young and beautiful, she has so much going for her and this weight on her shoulders can be lifted. She put it on herself.